September 12, 2010

Fuck Clothes. Imma run around naked.

Unlike the seeming majority of my fellow female population, I despise shopping.
Nothing fucking fits. Ever.

Let me give you a shining example.
For my birthday, the big 2-1, my 110-lb 73-year-old grandmother took me out to find dressy clothes.  Her idea of dressy clothes and my idea of dressy clothes Do. Not. Jive.
She thinks that a button-down blouse is a good idea. Newsflash: I have a small rib cage and comparatively gigantic boobs. It ends up something like this:

Not pretty. Slutty, maybe, but classy it is not. Edit: not my picture, but google performed beautifully when I entered "poorly fitting blouse". The Goog wins again.

I also have short legs with huge quads (thank you bike), a big ass, and a small waist. Thus, pants don't fit either. You have to fit them to my quads, which makes acres of fabric around my ankles and my waist. 

I will end up in a sack-dress, I just know it. 

There's a reason I shop the thrift stores, people already wore them, which generally means they have real-people sizes. Which is a welcome change.

Seriously, I walked into JC Penny with Grandma, who asked the saleswoman for the "college age clothes". Saleswoman directed us to Teeny-bopper Land. Do I look like a Teeny-bopper?! DO I??We asked a baffled Saleswoman for the "young professional clothing" and she sent us to Old Lady Land. What The Hell? Do young people  not go on interviews anymore??

Macy's was the same story. 

What the fuck? What do 30-yr old career professionals wear? More importantly, WHERE DO YOU FIND IT??

I ended up with a black suit from Ann Taylor's, which is a bit funeral-y, but Nothing Else Fit. 

 The gremlins in the clothing industry must get a kick out of watching me try on clothes that 10 times out of 10 do not fit. Fuck you, Gremlins, fuck you. 


  1. Welcome to the world of having a drop-dead sexy curvaceous figure. Those clothing designers don't know what to do with a woman who looks like anything besides a stick.

  2. I've been having to dress up for my internship and I've been wearing black lulu lemons (because they are stretchy and fit really well, but they are black so they look like slacks) and a variety of tops. Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe are really good for nice tops :)

  3. rachel, its so true.
    and thanks for the suggestions andie!


Lifestyle Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory